Panic & the Wood Pile

Ok i guess today actually started out ok until i thought I had to go someplace that was definitely not on my to go to list.. 

Well the panic started in.. could feel it inking up my spine, i was pacing and my mind is racing.. dont want to go there, dont want to go there.. so I went outside with my dogs.. loaded a cart of wood to bring in to burn and thought to myself.. this will calm me down. being outside in the wide open space will work. the more wood i threw in the wagon the more stressed i became. it was like a war zone as i was heaving wood here and there.

My  2 dogs (Rosco & Chewy) went under the porch as I guess they figured they might get hit by flying timber ...lol was not sure.

Nothing was helping.. i got that tight feeling in my chest of doom and wanted to run as fast as my little legs could take me. I fought it and brought the wood inside, chucked a few pieces in the stove and got on the phone trying to find a calming sensible voice to hear.. NO ONE was answering.. what was I going to do??? 

I felt like exploding in a corner. What do I do?? 

Well ( i use this word alot) i took some meds sat in my comfy chair and here I am writing as fast as my fingers will type to get this out.

Just wish this would quit happening. All i needed to do today was visit someone i had not seen in a while but with conflicting feelings about going at all the panic set in.

Cannot or will not go today as driving in this state wont get me anywhere. Will try to start fresh tomorrow and hopefully will make it there.. need to go there and it is required of me. 

This disorder that I have recently been diagnosed with is just putting a name to what I was already feeling. Somatization Disorder or Briquet's Syndrome as it was originally called is me front to back. Why did no one else in all these years help me to discover this? I feel so completely crazy sometimes.. literally- but i guess is all in my own mind.. there lies the problem!!! things seem distorted and out of kilter to me when in reality they are ok? at least that is my take on what is going on and what I am being told about this. My brain takes a situation and makes it way more dire than it really is, but try telling my brain that it is not that critical or my heart that wants to beat out of my chest when things seem overwhelming.

I want control again and is what I am fighting for everyday now.. but for today I am fighting a little less and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.. I hope it will!