High Anxiety

Wow.. my anxiety is through the roof today!! started last night with pulse racing and heart pounding.. have no clue as what set it off but kept me awake off and on most of the night.. this morning is still raging and feel like my blood pressure is in the clouds.. jaw is throbbing and my teeth want to stay clenched.. nothing i know of has triggered this.

Glad i have a doctor apt and a therapy session today.. may get to the root of this. Wow is all I can say.. feel crappy and do not even know why..

Just when i think i have this on the road to licked it shows me who is boss and it sure aint me.. YET!!!

I am going to ask the doc about alternative therapies like median tapping and see what she says about it. 

Have to get this anxiety under control before i end up with a heart attack or stroke.. that really scares me.

Today just  driving to the dr. office is stressing me more than usual.. 

Lord give me calm.. I need calm to get done what I need to today and everyday.. show me a way to cope and work through this PLEASE..

hIGH aNXIETY.. FEELING.. WELL feeling like.. ???????

Have to go now and get myself to the appointments..and back home..

Gonna Do!!

Hey there.. made my mind up just this minute.. gonna start a new blog i think.. gonna do it like a Pinterest thing.. with things I am interested in.. dream about and such.. BUT am gonna acquire the pics, info etc about stuff before i put it out there.. is gonna be my positive page.. How about that!!!! will do some research.. and make a doozy of a page.. SO.. am outta here for now.. going to see my lil EvaLynn today.. really excited.. Back at ya later!!!

GRRRR...with a touch of Sun!! :)

Had a beautifully written post for this day but lost it.. well short ^ sweet today.

Think i am getting a stomach flu of some sort.. feeling really grumpy.. growly.. and belly is really churning today..dogs even giving me a wide berth today.. poor babies  :(

Sun is shining today.. which usually makes me feel better..but belly has other ideas for me i guess.

 So today will be a hang out day in my comfy chair.. no sudden movements as i feel a heave coming on.. not good!!

Saw my Granddaughter Evalynn Rose yesterday.. made me so happy!! love visiting with my sons and their families..is what keeps me going.

Been trying to find out more info on this "Mental Thing" that has attached itself to me but not much luck so far. (Somatization Disorder)

 Also will ask my therapist what other avenues i may try.

I need to get more help understanding and connecting with others that also may be searching for answers too.

Anyone that may stumble on this blog and have some leads of where to look will be much appreciated.

Am going for now... need a nap.. Better Days are Ahead.. I feel it!!!

Am sorry for this...

I am saying sorry to some of you that have read my posts.. what I am sorry for is the fact that what I post makes you uncomfortable.. and that maybe you think less of me or wish i would not post what i do..

I am sorry.. but I am doing this for ME.. it makes ME feel better to get this out of MY brain.

If i don't get this out in some form I will undoubtedly not get better and I will not get back to the person I want to be.I am hoping that if I re read what I have posted I can possibly learn something about myself.  I cannot take any of this back as it is truly what I am feeling. For most of my life I have always not done or said some things that I really felt and it was mainly because of how it may make someone else feel.. Will not do that anymore.. cannot do that anymore. If you cannot help and support me than please do not read what I write. I love you and do not put any of this to hurt any of you. I am doing this FOR ME.. and I need this! I just ask that if you cannot understand.. at least try to accept why I am doing this and Love me enough to let me do this & hope with me.

Winter made an Appearance

Well.. today has been snowy, rainy, sleety and windy!! folks.. it is February and the low tonight will be 16.. so they say.. brrrrrr!
Is gloomy outside as I feel inside today.. need some sunshine.. don't we?
umm..been having migraines again so went & got glasses hoping it might help.. BUT no it sure has not. Not sure what next to do.. have been on this merry go round for years now. Going to the doctor every week now, with therapy once a week and regular doc every other week. Is about all i get done.. having a terrible time even getting the bills paid and definitely not getting them paid on time.. thought i could write more today but cannot.. head hurting too much. will try again later.. anyone that may happen to read this.. any thoughts or ideas that may help will be much appreciated..

What to say-Alot to say

Tired of the same day to day stuff that never change.. never change.. never change
having an extremely down day.. been by myself for almost all of it and in the mind set i don't wanna do this anymore..
ya see another day and another extreme mood swing. some days i can get control and other days I have no.. none.. nadda control. what happens??? is like a switch in my brain that flips on and off at will. I WANNA SCREAM.. be normal, have a normal life again.. be happy and live your life again!!

How can that happen? anybody? HELP ME!
Feeling extreme, tired, hurt, and both mentally and physically drained.. more than usual. I have therapy tomorrow but it is hard to go there as I feel not much progress is happening. was hoping to feel better more of the time but is coming so slow.. I have made some plans but unless i push push push they won't happen any time soon.. should i just take off?? should i stay and just accept things for what they are?
I feel crazy today.. out of control and agitated.. don't even have one reason for it either. it just comes over me and has it's way.. i have no choice until it decides it is done with me and throws me aside..back to reality.........................................
i spend too much time alone with my own thoughts.. not good at all. is really hard to make myself go places especially by myself so i usually don't. have become quite a hermit. I can be social and do enjoy it but have to be really pushed to make the first step.
anyways guess i will put exactly what goes on in my mind as no one is reading it but me anyways, right. Yes some days this helps me but today.. nope.. feels like a bunch of words getting tossed and lost in the universe.. the end.. Night!

Gloomy to Tow-Mater Day

I think my moods for the most part co inside with the weather and sunshine or lack of sunshine. Been really dreary today inside and out.. headaches are becoming more of a problem but i did something about it today.

I went and got myself a new pair of glasses in hopes that by seeing better my confidence for driving will return..and my headaches will go away.. I can hope, right?

I am trying really hard to scope out my future as i know i have one just not sure where or what it will be..  :(

This evening I'm setting here with my youngest son Erik (24) and my ornery grandson Jayden (4) and we are watching Thomas the Train and probably Towmater Tales for the 100th time..Being with both of them makes me feel pretty happy. 

Some of the things that keep hope in my life are my 3 sons and 2 grand children. I am hoping to add more as time goes on.. i know there used to be alot more that made me happy.. somehow i lost them along the way and am working on getting them back. 

I know my husband tries to understand what is happening to me but i guess unless u are right in my head it is hard to know what to do to help me. He is the one who bought me the glasses today and I love and thank him very much for that. I  also hope he keeps believing in me but have already told him that if he cannot be beside me in this trip to wherever it is going with this mental illness I will do my best to understand and move on.

Not sure if he has made a decision on that yet but will give him time to decide.. just not a long time as i need to keep moving on be it with him-which I hope or without. A harsh reality but one i have to deal with as it comes. Enough deep thoughts for now...
Time to get back to "Thomas & Towmater" and my 2 guys.. gotta enjoy them while i can even if it means watching this silly stuff..  until another day!!!

Today is the Day!!!!

Well here I am again.. today is my birthday and i feel pretty good. have stuff i need to do today and actually feel up to doing a good part of it.. how's that.

I have plans this evening with my family to go out to dinner and some family visiting time.. sure wish I could have all my kids with me today but that is impossible so i will take what i can get.

turning 51 is no big deal like last year was hitting the "BIG 50" but that was the start of  my new life as i call it now..lol

I have plans for my future and getting well is top of the list, then on to other just as important things as the list goes on..& on.. & on.. see i am actually peppy today. that sure don't happen alot in my days.. so am going to take advantage of it and run with the good stuff today.. YEA!!

i have been hitting the Internet quite heavily the last few days finding my things for my dream list, which by the way I am gonna make alot of it happen in this very year. I have PLANS folks and have to stick with them.. not lose interest and complete a few special ones that will set the tone for the rest of my life.. so there!

 that is it for now.. I am off as i have things to do today.. time is a wasting..:)

Now or Never

Have this undeniable urge to run run run.. my chest is heaving and i feel so much panic today. this has been one of the crazy up & down days for me. total lack of control.. feelings of not sure what!

i sincerely think if i cannot get my own place to be in when i feel like this i will go mad. I know what i want but not how to get it. On the inside my life is falling apart but i guess on the outside it resembles normal.. whatever that is. 

I cannot get anyone to understand how i feel. my therapist gets pretty close but the real people in my world do not know how to help me and i have no clue as what to tell them so they can help me. 

My husband told me he will build me a place on another part of our property if i need to but he cannot do it right away. I need it right away but i also understand the factors (money) and time frame it takes to get a house built. 

not sure if i can be patient while my world crumbles around me. I need a place to call my own.

if i know nothing else i know that to be true for me. I don't want a divorce because i cannot picture my life without my husband in it, but i do know i need some changes and fast. I need to feel in control of my life again and by being on my own i hope to find that.

I have to end on this note as i begin to sound like a broken record and it annoys me.. !

This is so not positive thinking but today i don't have that to offer...