It's a snowly medicated day

Well...here i am again!
i have been sincerely hoping that someone or some ones might start to follow my blog but as of today nadda.
it is not supposed to matter as i am doing this for emotional relief but it does matter.
I have been asking for help (which by the way I never do) and still no one is listening.
Have to let it be ok and not go any steps in a  backwards motion.. hey still have my humor, right?
is steadily snowing here today and i love to watch it.. kinda makes me melancholy and with the mix of the meds to keep me anxiety less feels like a nice floaty day.
 I have been trying to stay motivated with the plans i am trying to make for my life and i guess is ok to have a down day or to allow myself to have one. Which seems to be one of my problems.. the allowing myself stuff.
I think in my upbringing..or maybe not, i have instilled in myself that is the best to have constant approval from others to do what I want to do or have or want or I just don't do it or get it.
Seems to me this is the thing that has cost me my independence. I have lost so many things like my interests, passions and the general want of important things or happiness in my life. So.. how to get them back and I am serious!
Maybe i think too much and do not enough of the actual leg work to find out why??
I know for sure that I can no longer do this on my own... I am asking for help.. have an awesome therapist.. (actually two of them right now) so maybe being content with small steps should be my goal instead of freaking out everyday when i do not see any progress or the depression is still as bad as it was the day before..?
I used to be a very patient person and wow that has all gone out the window. I want to be better and I want it right now!~~~! even though it took me years to end up this way I want my life back NOW!!
I guess it is time to sign off now dear diary until i get myself calmed down and not feeling like a lunatic. will post later and hope someone is listening.. :)