Been Trying..to Discover

well.. today has been try to discover stuff day. I have tried to discover the way to effectively sweep my wood floors but the dust bunnies got pretty scary and won out in the end.. I tried to discover the art of cleaning my balcony without getting taxidermy fur, hair or feathers on the floor below.. Did Not Happen.. jeez!! I tried to discover the ancient art of stacking wood in my wagon to get more per square inch.. Nope did not happen :(

let's see.. i also tried to carry 2 very large bags to the burn pile without dragging them through any mud and also trying not to wear that mud on my clothes.. Nope did not happen..lol

What I did discover was.....perfecting the art of taking a short nap in my recliner with my daschund  Chewy on my head while my Labrador Rosco held down my legs.. he weighs over 100 lbs but thinks he is a teeny lap dog..  

all i got for my trouble was a stiff neck and a small doggy tongue up my nose about 4 times as Chewy loves to kiss ya when u least expect it.

My 2 pals and I scoured the yard for any bones to chew.. chased the chickens while we fed them and tried our best to cheer up the rooster who got beat up by a pack of the hens. He (the rooster) was not having any of our love or concern and he just pouted in the corner of the pen, slowly limping to the feed pile to try to get his share of the corn after we got out of sight. Silly Rooster needs to learn not to mess with the hens as i think they almost killed him this time.

After our raid of the yard we went to the mailbox, checked out the guys installing new light poles.. barking their disapproval of all who entered our yard. We tried to enjoy the unseasonable weather with it being almost February and the temps have been in the 50's. With me being winded pretty easy I decided we walked  & frolicked enough for this afternoon and made the trek to safer parts like the comfort of my chair and their places by the wood stove. I think a good time was had by all this day and the sun helped keep my energy level high enough to actually enjoy being outside.. Chalk up another positive day. 

Thanks to Mother Nature and Gods Grace to allow another wonderful day on this earth..

P.S. I also received a message on my cell from my grandaughter (she is almost 3 months now). her daddy sent me a video of her smiling and cooing to him- it made me cry and was so welcome. Little things like that make me realize why I am here on this earth. :)  I still have enjoyment in my life.. i just need to look deeper for it and see the little things as BIG things in my life.

Better than Ok Today..

Well.. today was a better than ok day. thought i was gonna have a major panic attack but managed to keep it under control.. is a definite plus for me.. :) I went to an auction with one of my closest friends "Errta May" I will call her. She always has good vibes and helps keep me under control when i feel crazy!! So glad i have her in my life and so many others as well.

We left the auction and went on a small road trip.. which always helps, then ended up at a new Chinese restaurant where we ate ourselves silly.. but all in all was just the right things to do today. I bought my husband a cake since it is his 42nd birthday and I am so NOT a baker. I think he is glad i did buy one instead of making one, will give him that :)

Now we are setting in our comfy chairs eating chili and soon to be cake & ice cream. A few days from now will be my birthday and i hope for surprises on my special day too!

So.. today has been a pretty nice average day and i will take it! i have not had a simply average day in so looong and it is welcome in my life as a definite step in the right direction back to where I belong. In the average to great mid life stream.. yup that is one of my goals and I bet no one even knows it. That is ok too as I am prepared to be spontaneous as often as I can manage.. just like the good old days..

Anyways.. this is short and sweet today.. am smiling inside today.. some day my goal is to smile on the outside again.. and I Will!

Panic & the Wood Pile

Ok i guess today actually started out ok until i thought I had to go someplace that was definitely not on my to go to list.. 

Well the panic started in.. could feel it inking up my spine, i was pacing and my mind is racing.. dont want to go there, dont want to go there.. so I went outside with my dogs.. loaded a cart of wood to bring in to burn and thought to myself.. this will calm me down. being outside in the wide open space will work. the more wood i threw in the wagon the more stressed i became. it was like a war zone as i was heaving wood here and there.

My  2 dogs (Rosco & Chewy) went under the porch as I guess they figured they might get hit by flying timber ...lol was not sure.

Nothing was helping.. i got that tight feeling in my chest of doom and wanted to run as fast as my little legs could take me. I fought it and brought the wood inside, chucked a few pieces in the stove and got on the phone trying to find a calming sensible voice to hear.. NO ONE was answering.. what was I going to do??? 

I felt like exploding in a corner. What do I do?? 

Well ( i use this word alot) i took some meds sat in my comfy chair and here I am writing as fast as my fingers will type to get this out.

Just wish this would quit happening. All i needed to do today was visit someone i had not seen in a while but with conflicting feelings about going at all the panic set in.

Cannot or will not go today as driving in this state wont get me anywhere. Will try to start fresh tomorrow and hopefully will make it there.. need to go there and it is required of me. 

This disorder that I have recently been diagnosed with is just putting a name to what I was already feeling. Somatization Disorder or Briquet's Syndrome as it was originally called is me front to back. Why did no one else in all these years help me to discover this? I feel so completely crazy sometimes.. literally- but i guess is all in my own mind.. there lies the problem!!! things seem distorted and out of kilter to me when in reality they are ok? at least that is my take on what is going on and what I am being told about this. My brain takes a situation and makes it way more dire than it really is, but try telling my brain that it is not that critical or my heart that wants to beat out of my chest when things seem overwhelming.

I want control again and is what I am fighting for everyday now.. but for today I am fighting a little less and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.. I hope it will!

Gods Grace in my life

Today have had a situation in my life that has been 100% major stressor for me and after much much prayer and also realizing I have no control over the out come.. well I let it go of it. This has been a Giant Lesson in trust. I have put aside my worries.. asked the Lord to take it and like always was solved the right way and in the right time..
I make myself really sick with all the things I cannot "fix". The major problem in my life is learning how to let go and step back to see how things solve out. I am not a control freak but do really feel that I have to keep at something until I can fix it or make my self crazy trying to. I go days without eating or barely sleeping due to this problem in my life. I cannot seem to shut things out, relax and just let things be.
Well today I let it be.. a first and bigger step for me.. I can only go forward and expect nothing less!! tah dah!!

Another day....

Well.. not alot to say today. Got a late start to the day as I was up til almost 4 am so I slept in to almost 10. Then I had a nice visit with my friend Danielle and her 3 yr old niece Kiersten.. such a doll baby. so far so good..
average day besides the freezing factor.
Feeling pretty sad as one of my other friends Linda buried her granddaughter this morning. so much sorrow for such a wonderful family.. my heart truly hurts for all of them and have no way to even begin to help them heal as it is in Gods hands.. He does the best work every time
Guess I will get back to the task of getting my own life back together in one piece.
Once again I feel motivated as if my life depends on it. I guess it really does.
I hope some day my sons might run across this blog so that maybe they can understand what I am going through and how i am trying to handle it all without trying to cause any un deserved stress in their lives.
I love you all more than I can even begin to explain and just know that no matter what i face, all of you are my stars and is what I focus on to keep me strong!

It's a snowly medicated day

Well...here i am again!
i have been sincerely hoping that someone or some ones might start to follow my blog but as of today nadda.
it is not supposed to matter as i am doing this for emotional relief but it does matter.
I have been asking for help (which by the way I never do) and still no one is listening.
Have to let it be ok and not go any steps in a  backwards motion.. hey still have my humor, right?
is steadily snowing here today and i love to watch it.. kinda makes me melancholy and with the mix of the meds to keep me anxiety less feels like a nice floaty day.
 I have been trying to stay motivated with the plans i am trying to make for my life and i guess is ok to have a down day or to allow myself to have one. Which seems to be one of my problems.. the allowing myself stuff.
I think in my upbringing..or maybe not, i have instilled in myself that is the best to have constant approval from others to do what I want to do or have or want or I just don't do it or get it.
Seems to me this is the thing that has cost me my independence. I have lost so many things like my interests, passions and the general want of important things or happiness in my life. So.. how to get them back and I am serious!
Maybe i think too much and do not enough of the actual leg work to find out why??
I know for sure that I can no longer do this on my own... I am asking for help.. have an awesome therapist.. (actually two of them right now) so maybe being content with small steps should be my goal instead of freaking out everyday when i do not see any progress or the depression is still as bad as it was the day before..?
I used to be a very patient person and wow that has all gone out the window. I want to be better and I want it right now!~~~! even though it took me years to end up this way I want my life back NOW!!
I guess it is time to sign off now dear diary until i get myself calmed down and not feeling like a lunatic. will post later and hope someone is listening.. :)

Another step forward

Well... today was interesting to say the least. Have been extremely stressed about an appointment with an attorney today.. but i should back up a little bit. on the way there my husband was driving and blew through a red light.. so i was already white knuckling it as a semi beside us was smoking his breaks to be able to stop as well.. he did stop and we flew through the red light..
OK , this was not real bad but, as we get to the turn off for the attorneys office he is talking to me.. passes up the office.. and we have to go an extra block to get turned around.. BUT!!! as we approach the next intersection he is not stopping at the red light.. I scream STOP as he realizes that we almost went head on into the approaching traffic. This is when i ask.. umm any reason why we don't stop at red lights today?? he replies.. well i guess i had stuff on my mind.. I was scared to say the least as i was looking right into another cars window that was approaching my side of the car!!! he quickly backed up a bit before we were smashed.. to the relief of a few drivers and passengers, including myself.. WHEW!!! so by this time we are running a bit late for the apt and I am not really caring.. had to pee really bad and just wanted to get there in one piece. (We did..YEA) so once again i was so stressed that I could not set still in the office for all the important questions that I needed to have the right answers for. Have to say I made it through the whole process and once in the car i had to toss back a couple xanax for the ride home.. which by the way was quite uneventful.. Yea again!!
So as I set here tonight contemplating the events of today I realize it could of went so much worse and am thanking God and my husbands great reflexes for saving us all. Am living large for yet another glorious day and am so thankful for it!! Keeping my fingers crossed that the disability process goes quickly and painlessly as possible.. And we're off and running! nite  :)

Marginally Blah with 100% of Fog

Well today is not off to a good start. this fibro stuff.. let's just say pain levels today with the rain-storms that have went through here last night are playing not nice with all my joints and angles.  I feel quite foggy and less than motivated to accomplish a darn thing today. i have too many areas of my corner that are not even near cozy today. i think maybe for me a down day might be in order.. because today there is no other choice..
I already know how much i am rambling and i apologize for this but straight thoughts aren't on the menu for today. I have been trying to figure out how to get a different background for my lil cozy corner with absolutely no luck.. so if by chance anyone might read this today I could sure use some help. I have one saved to my computer but with the level of fog today have no clue as how to make it show up here. any help would greatly be appreciated.
 Anyways.. need to do other things and will come back to this post later after the storm clouds clear.

Good Days ahead

Well here I am again.. today seems to be going in a good direction and I  have been somewhat dedicated in staying focused. YEA for me!! I think due to the big revelation I experienced last night, this could be the driving force.. sure hope so!
 I am feeling like I have the right direction now and as long as I stay on this path I may see the light at the end.
 I made some really big decisions last night and with God willing i will stay my course. I think for me and my Happiness i need to strike out on my own. I am not rushing into anything just yet but this is part of my plan.. actually about the 3rd part of my plan. Sounds mysterious but in my mind it seems to get clearer as I stand up and make "My Own" choices. Wish me luck as I sure do need it. Will fill in more of the ?s as I feel i can let them out into the wild for all to read. Yes today has been one of the good ones and I sure hope to have ALOT more!!!

Step 2- concentration & lists

Today is my 12th wedding anniversary.. feeling pretty mellow today.. been by myself most of the day and that has been ok too. Maybe later go for pizza with the hubs.. who knows and I can hope right? lol Feel like i should be excited that we have made it being married for these years and together for 16. I tell you.. alot of it has not been even close to easy. I guess nothing worth having & keeping ever is. I just wish there was even a small amount of Romance left but that has been gone for a few years now.. makes me sad.. :( Something else to work on down the road.. (maybe)
I have been trying to keep my thoughts together today and have had better concentration. I decided to have a cleansing day.. so I have taken pics of some of the things I want to put on a local yard sale site and see what I can sell. YEA for me..!
(random thoughts coming through) I sure wish I could see my therapist more than once a week but with limited funds is the best I can do. I feel with more talking and opening up possibly I could get through some of the emotional things faster.. BUT I guess I am not the doctor to decide, right?
 I have been trying to keep a bucket list going, at least that way I am actively thinking of things i want for my life and that I still have hopes and dreams. I sure have been lacking in that too and it is gonna change..
Not sure just how this blog thing is supposed to work but I feel for me it will be about my daily thoughts, the things I get accomplished or not and to just move forward and write about what I feel and what good positive things happen for me along my journey. I will ramble because most of my thoughts come in a random and disorderly manner.. is just who I am..!

Out of Focus

One of the main stumbling blocks I have encountered is the ability to stay focused. I start projects.. get sidetracked and before you know it.. whewwww I am no where near what i was intending to do. This used to be one of those things i told myself was ok, -everyone has these  moments.. but my moments grew into hours then days and before I knew it there were months missing from my life that i have no way of getting back. My confidence was going, self esteem was out the door and i had no faith in myself or the decisions I was attempting to make. When i looked in the mirror a stranger was looking back and that scared me more than i care to tell about!
I went from a very focused but scattered person to just plain lost and scattered. No decisions were made on my own anymore, i second guessed every aspect of my life and the one thing that repeated itself to me (inside my head) was I need to get out of here, I need my own place, I need my own everything and I don't want to be responsible for anyone or anything but "Myself".
I felt totally insane, out of control and on the edge of going off a cliff and never coming back. I felt myself trying to tell people how bad i was feeling but it felt like i was talking a foreign language that no one understood. Everyone said" your fine, just calm down". They just didn't get it or me anymore. So.. I just did what everyone expected of me.. I shut down even more and went on auto pilot so the people in my life were not stressed and thought I was doin good. So here began my journey into denial to save face and keep everyone else happy and  thinking things were on the right track.. Oh how wrong that decision was ! Never again...

diagnosis- step 1

Well.. I guess after over..umm 6 years now and countless doctors I have been diagnosed with a few things that now seem to make sense to me.
1st... I knew I have been living with Fibromyalgia for over 6+ years.
2nd... it seems that my bucket is so full emotionally that the depression and anxiety have gotten so bad that the only outlet for it is to cause chronic pain in my body.Which this seems to be called Somatization Disorder aka Briquet's Syndrome.
3rd...I have to make a master plan on how to deal with it all!  (Major Stressor)

My therapist says to empty my bucket to the point of getting my life back.. my question is.. where to start?
I have always been a fixer.. and it seems i can fix things and lives for others just not myself. I need to learn how to take control of my own life again and be the person I know is in there albeit pretty deep in there.
So from today on this page will be my gateway to a better life and a healthier outlook. I will do my best to stay positive and go forward in small but determined steps. I have to as I feel my life depends on it!
 I also will appreciate any insight from others to learn how to cope. I am a very opened minded person and can learn from others.. so if you have any words of wisdom please feel free to pass them on. I will either include them in my healing process or keep them for future reference.

That's it for a start- day 1 of my journey to recovery...